Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the greatest twitter interaction

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.