Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

Yes

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.