Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

The cycle continues