[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped