Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

could’ve been anyone

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.