After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.