Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

oh good, now I can stop drinking

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.