After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
#damn
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”