{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
You Might Also Like
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Word.
~ Microsoft.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.