After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I think about this a lot
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.