Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

here we go again

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.