*after every concert I’ve seen*

“That was the best concert I’ve ever seen!”

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If you can’t handle me at my un-shaved, you don’t deserve me at my waxed.


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”


wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*


(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)



My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32


TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom


Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’