Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You Might Also Like
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
two people or more is called a problem
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
this is how life feels
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You are not alone 💚
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!