After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
You Might Also Like
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.