@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

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@lwhit_the_boss

I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.

@notalogin

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@lovemydogduck

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

@hunz74

I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@Carbosly

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

@Piecezilla

St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child