@loribuckmajor: After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I'm like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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@WorIdComedy: mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops
@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
@TheHyyyype: ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
@rockymomax: [pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha