After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.