I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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Secret Panel HERE 🔪
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child