Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!