Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*