[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
When libraries troll their patrons.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Saturday
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted