[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!