(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
File under excellent bookstore names.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself