[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I’d love this…lol
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it