[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”