[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?