[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica