*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
It’s his time
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?