*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
You Might Also Like
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Mornin
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes