[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The sacred texts.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
😂🤣😂🤣
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
