Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.