Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Bond. Trauma bond.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

hackers play passwordle