Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

When I laugh on my period

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

girls literally only want one thing..

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.