@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

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@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

@Grommit56

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@WigCannon

before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@JJSummertime

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.