After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.