[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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Spring cleaning checklist…
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
bias laundering edition
mariah carrie
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Great acting.. 😂
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence