[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You Might Also Like
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Not even remotely sorry.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint