Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Thursday

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.