Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Is….Is this an option?

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving