Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

he was correct

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Ape together strong

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair