Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

new career option?

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

👾👾👾

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅