Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

sign of the times 🖊

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Well, this is awkward

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”