After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?