After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.