After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Traveler’s camo
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
this is funnier than any friends episode
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will