After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Welcome
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.