After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
rapatouille
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees