Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

classic mixup

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

we’re gonna need another temp

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.