After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.