After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
San Francisco has too many rules
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
iPhone X
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.