After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Bed should get ready for ME
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I’m already scared
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”