Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

This is not me but this is me

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”