After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”