Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Tough love is true love

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

asking santa clause for nudes

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.