After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.