After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
i will avenge u mr van gogh
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.