“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
who wore it better?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Can’t stop laughing
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
it’s not been my year
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.