After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Ron is short for Aaronald
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense