Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.