Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Love this one 😂🧟

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

*seductively peels off lederhosen

I will never stop laughing at this

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Why font matters.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.