After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
you’re damn right i have
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
This forever.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic