After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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hmmmmmm
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
yeah 😭
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people