Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

*pronounces fake like saké*

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now