Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

#MeanwhileinCanada