After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Danger is very dangerous
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out