After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
incredible text to wake up to
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby