After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
💻🤡
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.