Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are