[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
This is a whole mood;
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere