If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
These are my emotional support Pringles.