After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.