Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Sharon I have some bad news

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then