Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo