[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
🤷♀️
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything