Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

It’s an epidemic…

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought