After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”