After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too