Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”