Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Put a ring on it

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Jogging has never helped my memory.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!