After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You Might Also Like
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?